I know this is a blog about beer and food, but I have a confession. A secret? A problem? Don’t judge me because I am a weenie.
I am afraid of the dark. Not just afraid. Terrified. Like omg-there-is-a-vampire-on-the ceiling-clown-under-the-bed-demon-on-the-dresser paralyzing fear of the dark.
Yes, I know. I’m a grown-up woman.
Who is terrified of the dark.
And the Boogie Man.
If I have to get up in the night, I will lay in bed and contemplate whether it is worth the risk to go to the bathroom, get water, etc.
There might be snakes in the toilet.
Or a clown under the bed.
Poltergeist. Still scares the crap out of me. That damn hideous clown.
That movie has terrified me and given me nightmares (and awake nightmares) since 1982.
Nothing has haunted me like that until Chris made me watch some creepy-ass vampire movie and all I can remember about it was this woman going into a bathroom and the creepy-ass vampire was perched in the corner of the ceiling.
She never looked up.
She should have.
I made a huge mistake a few months ago.
I watched The Conjuring.
In the words of Julia Roberts AKA Vivian AKA Pretty Woman, “Big mistake. Huge. Huge.”
Have you seen it? Don’t.
See the demon on the wardrobe? Yikes!
So, this is some scary stuff!
And when I wake up and go to the bathroom, get water, whatever, I have awake nightmares that one of these demons is on the dresser, vampire on the ceiling, snakes in the toilet (I’m not really sure where that one comes from) and the worst — clown under the bed. I’m awake, but having a sort of nightmare.
I have to give myself a pep talk to get back to the bed.
It doesn’t really work, so I move as fast as possible and jump/fly onto the bed. I do this so fast that the clown hasn’t snatched me up yet.
Chris does not find this amusing at 3:30 am on a Tuesday. I usually land so hard after my clown-dodging flying leap it bounces him all over the place and wakes him up. Then he’s all WTF chick?!?! Damn clowns.
Jennifer kindly recommended that I invest in a flashlight. Her 7 year old son has one and it seems to protect him.
Done. Done. Done.
I actually have 2.
Chris bought them for me. I keep one on the nightstand and the other in the nightstand drawer. Just in case.